Having a
place to be and a community to connect with has made me feel better than I have
in a long time.
During the school year, I rarely
enjoy socializing. I spend my day on campus and the majority of my free time in
my bedroom. I’ve always thought that my career and academic goals took
precedent, since they’re what I struggle with most. However, my social skills
have atrophied over time and I find it difficult to talk to people I can’t
readily relate to. When I do, I’m distracted, physically present but mentally
elsewhere worrying about tasks I’ve not yet completed. Because I let my lack of
executive functioning skills related to ADHD go unchecked for so long, I had
fooled myself into believing that if I finish my task list now, I can build a
healthy social life later. No one ever tells you that to-do lists never stop
growing.
Which is why the field school feels
almost like a vacation to me. When I climb down into the trench every day, I
feel like I’m a kid again, digging up treasures in the backyard. I always have
dirt under my fingernails, on my pants, and just about everywhere else—and I
couldn’t be happier. I get to mentally put down everything else going on in my
life and zone in on my unit. I get to prove to myself that I am intelligent because of how fast I
catch on to everything in the field. When I’m asked a question, I’m more ready
to trust myself when an answer comes to mind. While I don’t always remember
specific dates and times, I somehow remember all the little facts mentioned
while we’re working. I don’t always understand how my brain works, but it’s
incredible to feel like it’s working with me instead of against me.
Though I have an extensive history
of living and working in learning communities, I originally thought that the
field school would be overwhelming. It’s been a while since I’ve been dropped
in the middle of a team and community of people that I’m unfamiliar with.
I’ve actually found that being around this group of people all the time
is uplifting. Though I still need some quiet time in my day, we all have so
much in common that it’s easy to get along. I’m genuinely interested in learning
about other people and building genuine connections—normally it would tire me
out to talk to someone for so long. I don’t have to constantly be thinking of
what to say or how to react. We all have somewhat similar worldviews. When they
differ, I don’t feel like I have to take a defensive stance, nor am I
over-worried about how I’ll come off. I just listen and make sure that if
something comes to mind, I can note whether or not it’s worth contributing, and
be kind and caring in the moment.
The best part is, the community is
so genuinely interested in what we have to say. Everyone so far has been
generous and willing to help in whatever way they can. Usually I am entirely
unable to talk to strangers, but since we all have common ground regarding the
project to build off of, I can relax and go with the flow of the conversation.
I can honestly say that I haven’t felt any social anxiety since the first day
of orientation for the field school. Since then, the closest thing I’ve felt to
anxiety was when my pit partner went home sick and I was left on my own to
present during pit tours. Even then, I was confident enough in my ability to
present our findings, and I’m told I did fine.
All in all, becoming more familiar
with this project and community has already helped me grow exponentially. I
feel like I’m finally becoming the person that I’ve always wanted to be, and
that I get to relax and be myself without passing or receiving judgement, even
if I can be a little too honest sometimes.
From,
Maddie
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